I’m Not Here to Convince You – Understanding Your Relationship with Your Absent Father

When people discover my work, they’re often carrying a question that feels too heavy to say out loud: What do I do about my dad? Whether he’s been emotionally absent for as long as you can remember, physically absent from day one, or someone who dips in and out of your life without consistency—it’s complicated. Maybe you’re thinking about reaching out. Maybe he’s recently made contact, and you’re unsure how to respond. Or maybe you’ve kept him in your life, hoping that someday the relationship will feel like more than scraps, but deep down, you know it probably won’t.

Let me say this clearly: I’m not here to convince you to have a relationship with your father—or not to. That decision is yours alone, and no one can make it for you. What I am here for is to help you understand how his absence, presence, or inconsistency is impacting your life today—how it shows up in your thoughts, your relationships, your self-worth, and your emotional wellbeing. My role is to support you as you navigate the space between what you needed and what you received, and help you feel more grounded in whatever decision you ultimately make.

It’s Not About Convincing—It’s About Awareness

There’s often pressure—both from others and from yourself—to make the “right” choice when it comes to your father. People may say things like, “But he’s still your dad,” or “Don’t you think you’ll regret it if you don’t try?” These statements often come from people who don’t fully grasp the complexity of abandonment, estrangement, or inconsistent parenting. They speak from their own experiences, from a place of not knowing what it’s like to carry this kind of grief.

But this is your story—not theirs. There is no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to managing this relationship. The point isn’t to arrive at some perfect solution. The point is to develop awareness—to truly understand how his absence has shaped your point of view, your habits, and your emotional patterns. That awareness helps you make decisions that are rooted in your needs and not in fear, guilt, or obligation.

Rekindling the Relationship: The Hope and the Risk

It’s completely natural to want to explore the possibility of reconnection. The hope that maybe things could be different this time can feel overwhelming. You might imagine a conversation that leads to healing, an apology that validates your experience, or a bond that finally feels safe. That longing is deeply human. The desire for a relationship with your father—no matter how complicated things have been—is nothing to be ashamed of.

But if you are considering rekindling the relationship, it’s important to get honest with yourself about what you’re hoping for and what he is truly capable of giving. Has he demonstrated genuine accountability or change, or is the desire to reconnect being driven by his guilt, loneliness, or need for control? Are you looking for closure, for connection, or simply to be seen?

Reaching out doesn’t make you weak. But before you do, it’s worth asking: At what cost? Reconnecting with someone who continues to hurt or dismiss you can set you back in your healing. And that’s why I always encourage grounding yourself in your truth, rather than his potential.

Accepting What Is: When the Relationship Won’t Go Further

Perhaps you’ve already reconnected, or you’ve kept some level of contact for years. You might see him now and then, or talk occasionally—but it never feels like enough. The relationship stays surface-level, with no real depth, and you often leave interactions feeling disappointed, unseen, or emotionally drained.

One of the hardest truths to accept is that sometimes the relationship you have is as far as it’s ever going to go. You’ve tried. You’ve been open. You’ve shown up. And still, there’s a gap between what you need and what he can give.

This space—where you’re not fully estranged but never fully connected—can feel like limbo. It’s like living in a constant state of “what if,” holding onto hope while bracing for disappointment. Choosing to accept the relationship as it is, rather than what you wish it could be, is not giving up—it’s choosing peace. It’s letting go of the fantasy, and making room for healing on your terms.

Choosing to End Contact: Not a Failure, but a Boundary

For some, the healthiest and most self-honouring choice is to end contact. It’s not about revenge. It’s not about punishing him. It’s about acknowledging that this relationship costs you too much—mentally, emotionally, energetically—and deciding that you no longer want to carry that weight.

Ending contact is often misunderstood by those on the outside. It may look like a dramatic choice, but for many, it’s an act of self-preservation. Walking away doesn’t mean you didn’t care. It means you care about yourself enough to stop investing in someone who consistently hurts or neglects you.

And yes, it’s okay to grieve that choice. To feel sadness, anger, relief, and empowerment—all at once. Grief is not just about mourning what you’ve lost—it’s also about mourning what you never had. Let yourself feel all of it.

My Role: Support, Not Direction

As a therapist and someone who understands abandonment on a personal level, I’m here to support your exploration—not steer your decisions. I want to help you unpack how your father’s absence—or limited presence—has shaped your life. To guide you in recognising emotional patterns like people-pleasing, fear of rejection, or difficulty with trust.

Through that awareness, you get to make empowered decisions. Decisions that come from self-respect, not from the need for validation or from a place of longing for someone who may never show up as you hoped.

Conclusion: Your Peace, Your Choice

You don’t have to choose contact or no contact to “get it right.” What matters most is your peace. Whether that peace is found in building a relationship, maintaining distance, or closing the door entirely—that’s up to you.

You are not defined by your father’s presence or absence. You are not responsible for making the relationship work. And you certainly are not here to carry the emotional weight alone.

This is about you. Your peace, your truth. Let’s honour that.