Loneliness & Abandonment: When No One Understands Your Grief
Loneliness and abandonment go hand in hand, especially when the grief you carry is the kind that others don’t recognise. When your father—or any significant figure in your life—was absent, emotionally unavailable, or simply chose not to show up, the weight of that grief is often invisible to those around you.
Unlike traditional losses, abandonment grief isn’t acknowledged in the same way. There’s no funeral, no sympathy cards, no communal support. Instead, you’re left with an ache that most people don’t understand, and worse, responses that make you feel even more alone.
The dead-end responses: “You just have to move on.” “It is what it is.”
The overly positive ones: “At least you turned out okay!” “Everything happens for a reason.”
The ones that dismiss your reality: “But he’s still alive, right?” “Maybe you should reach out.”
It’s isolating. Because not only do you have to sit with your grief, but you also have to sit with the reality that most people don’t—or won’t—understand it.
The Pain of Being Left Out
There’s a particular loneliness that comes with abandonment—the kind that shows up in ways you weren’t prepared for. It’s not just about the person who left. It’s about how that absence trickles into every corner of your life, especially in relationships with others.
Say your father has remarried, and you get along with your new step-siblings. You enjoy their company, and in some way, they feel like a connection to the family you didn’t get to have. But when family occasions roll around—weddings, holidays, birthdays—you’re not invited. Maybe they don’t want to disrupt their own peace. Maybe they’re worried about what scenes might be made and don’t want to deal with it. Or maybe… you’re just not on their radar the way they’re on yours.
That realisation stings. Because it makes you feel like the problem—like you’re someone that people find difficult to accommodate, rather than someone who belongs.
And it’s not just family. People with an abundance of support—who grew up surrounded by parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles—often don’t think about what it’s like to not have that. Not out of spite, not out of malice, but because they simply don’t have to. You’re not high enough on the pecking order. They have their families, their extended families, their village. And while you might consider them some of the most important people in your life, that feeling might not be mutual.
And that is a hidden truth of abandonment—the feeling that you never truly fit anywhere. And even when you do, it’s often on their terms.
The Search for Belonging: Outward vs. Inward
One of the hardest things about abandonment grief is that it often leads to searching outward—trying to find people, places, or relationships that will finally make you feel like you belong. But the truth is, that kind of validation will always be conditional. Because when your sense of self is built on being chosen by others, it’s always at risk of being taken away. Instead, the real work is in searching inward—learning to trust that you are enough, even when others fail to see it.
That doesn’t mean isolation. It doesn’t mean building walls so high that no one can reach you. It means learning how to balance connection with others while also protecting your own peace.
💡 Connection means: Allowing yourself to form relationships without losing your sense of self.
💡 Protection means: Knowing when to walk away from situations that make you feel like an afterthought.
It’s a delicate balance. One that takes time. But it starts with the understanding that you are enough, even if the people you wanted to love you never did.
Finding Peace in the Loneliness
Loneliness doesn’t always mean the absence of people. Sometimes, it’s the feeling of not being truly seen. And when your grief is disenfranchised—when it’s a loss that society doesn’t acknowledge—you carry that loneliness differently.
So how do you find peace in something that feels so isolating?
Acknowledge your grief as real. Just because others don’t validate it doesn’t mean it isn’t valid.
Surround yourself with people who do understand. Maybe it’s close friends, maybe it’s an online community, maybe it’s therapy.
Allow space for the hurt, but don’t let it define you. Feeling abandoned doesn’t mean you are unworthy of love.
Recognize that not everyone will think of you the way you think of them. And while that hurts, it doesn’t mean you are any less valuable.
You will have days where the loneliness feels unbearable. But you will also have days where you realise that you are your own home—and that is where true peace is found.
Conclusion: You Are Not Alone in This
If you’ve ever felt like your grief is invisible, if you’ve ever questioned why no one seems to understand, if you’ve ever felt like you don’t truly belong anywhere—know this: You are not alone. There are others who feel this way. Others who carry this same grief. Others who know the pain of an absent father, of being left out, of feeling like an afterthought. And while the world may not always recognise that grief, you can still honour it - just like I have. Because your story, your experience, your pain—it all matters. Even if no one else understands. So instead of searching outwardly for a place to belong, start by searching inwardly. Because the moment you realise that you are enough—with or without their validation—is the moment you start reclaiming your own peace.