Normalising Feeling Relieved When Someone Dies: It’s Okay to Feel This Way
Grief is often portrayed as a singular emotion - deep sadness, overwhelming loss, or an aching void. But in reality, grief is rarely that simple. For some, the death of a loved one may bring an unexpected emotion: relief. And while this feeling is entirely valid, it’s one that many people struggle to admit or process, fearing judgment or guilt.
During my time at Southampton General Hospital as a bereavement counsellor, I sat with countless people experienced this very emotion. Naming or normalising the feeling of relief often had a profound effect. I watched as the weight of their emotions seemed to melt into the chair when they were able to say out loud what was truly going on for them. Simply knowing it was safe to express whatever they were feeling created space for connection and understanding.
If you’ve experienced relief after someone’s death, you’re not alone. Whether it stems from the end of their suffering, a release from a strained relationships, or the lifting of an emotional burden, feeling relief doesn’t make you a bad person. In this blog, we’ll explore why this response is normal, what it might mean, and how to navigate the complexities of this type of grief.
Why Relief is a Common but Unspoken Emotion
Death is complex, and so are the relationships we have with those who pass. Relief after a death can arise for many reasons, including:
The end of suffering: When someone you care about has endured a long illness or significant pain, their passing may bring a sense of peace that their struggle is over.
Release from caregiver stress: Caring for someone who is unwell can be emotionally and physically exhausting. Their death may bring relief from this overwhelming responsibility.
Complicated relationships: If your relationship with the deceased was strained, toxic, or distant, relief might stem from the end of emotional conflict or unspoken tension.
Anticipatory grief: When a death has been expected for a long time, you may have already processed much of your grief, leaving the room for a sense of closure and relief.
When it comes to the death of an absent father, the feeling of relief may come from several sources:
Closure: The end of a relationship that was marked by longing, confusion, or unresolved questions.
Freedom from expectations: Letting go of the hope that the relationship might someday improve.
Relief from emotional conflict: No longer feeling the tension or pain associated with their absence.
These feelings are normal and are a reflection of the complexity of human emotions - not a lack of love or respect for the person who has died.
The Role of Guilt in Feeling Relief
One of the biggest challenges in experiencing relief after a death is the guilt that often comes with it. Society’s expectations around grief can make us feel like we’re doing it “wrong” if we don’t conform to a particular narrative of sadness and loss.
During my time at the hospital, I often reassured people that relief is not a reflection of how much they care for the deceased. It is a reflection of the realities they’ve faced - be it the emotional weight of caregiving, the roll of a challenging relationship, or the unresolved pain of an absent parent.
It’s important to remember:
Relief doesn’t mean you didn’t care about the person who died.
It doesn’t take away the love, respect, or compassion you had for them - or the grief you may still feel.
It reflects the realities of the situation - not your overall feelings about the individual.
In the case of an absent father, guilt may stem from the societal expectation that you should grieve deeply for a parent, regardless of the quality of the relationship. But the truth is, your feelings are shaped by your unique experiences, and it’s okay to feel relief, even if it coexists with sadness, anger, or confusion. By acknowledging your emotions without judgment, you can begin to process them in a health way.
How to Navigate Relief as Part of Grief
Feeling relief after a death is just one piece of the broader grief process. Here’s how to navigate this emotion:
Acknowledge Your Feelings
Name your emotions without judgement. Allow yourself to say, “I feel relieved”, and understand that this is a valid response.
Journalling or talking to a trusted friend, colleague, or therapist can help you explore these feelings further.
Reframe Your Perspective
Recognise that relief often reflects compassion - for the end of someone’s suffering, or the closure of a difficult chapter in your life.
In the case of an absent father, relief may symbolise freedom from unresolved hope or emotional conflict.
Understand that this emotion doesn’t diminish the significance of the person’s life or your feelings about them.
Avoid Suppressing Your Emotions
Suppressing feelings of relief out of guilt or fear of judgment can lead to emotional distress over tine,
Give yourself permission to feel and process all aspects of your grief, including the relief.
Seek Validation and Support
Remember, you’re not alone in feeling this way. Complex emotions like relief are a normal part of grief, and many others have experienced the same.
Connecting with a support group or therapist can provide a safe space to share and process these emotions.
Complex Relationships and Relief
When the deceased was someone you had a strained or absent relationship with - such as an estranged or emotionally distant father - feelings of relief might be mixed with guilt, regret, or even anger. You might find yourself reflecting on unresolved issues or wondering if you could have done more.
In these cases, it’s important to:
Validate your experience: Relationships are complex and layered - so it’s okay to feel conflicting emotions.
Allow space for grief and closure: You can grieve the relationship you wished you had while also feeling relieved at the end of emotional conflict.
Focus on self-compassion: Forgive yourself for any perceived shortcomings and remember that no relationship is perfect.
Normalising Relief: Breaking the Silence
Feeling relieved when someone dies is a topic many avoid discussing, yet it’s an experience that countless people share. By bringing this emotion into the conversation, we can normalise it as a valid part of the grieving process.
Grief isn’t a one-size-fits-all journey, and no two experiences are ever the same. Emotions like relief, guilt, sadness, and even joy can coexist in the same moment. Embracing this complexity allows us to process out loss authentically and without shame.
Conclusion: Embracing All Parts of Grief
If you’ve felt relief after someone’s death, know that you’re not alone - and you’re not doing grief wrong. Relief is a natural response to certain circumstances, and it doesn’t diminish your love, compassion, or respect for the person who has passed. At Southampton General Hospital, I saw how powerful it could be for people to name and validate this feeling. It helped them find safety in their emotions and reminded them that every experience of grief is unique and worthy of compassion.
In the case of an absent father, feeling relief can be especially complex, as it often ties into years of unresolved emotions. By acknowledging these feelngs and seeking support, you can navigate this experience with greater understanding and peace. Grief is as unique as the relationships we have, and it’s okay to feel a range of emotions, including those that don’t fit the traditional narrative. By processing your feelings with self-compassion, you can move forward in your grief journey with authenticity and self-awareness.
If this resonates with you, I encourage you to reach out for support, whether that’s through therapy, a support group, or connecting with others who understand. Relief is just one chapter in the larger story of grief, and every emotion you feel is valid.