Finding the Middle Ground: Setting Realistic Boundaries When You Have an Absent Father
Having an absent father can shape your life in subtle and no-so-subtle ways - especially when it comes to the holiday season or other family-focused events. You might find yourself swinging between two extremes: either bending over backward to maintain some form of connection, or shutting down entirely to avoid the pain. Neither one is particularly healthy or fulfilling in the long run.
The good news? There’s a middle ground. You don’t have to pretend everything’s fine, nor do you have to close yourself off from all family dynamics. By setting realistic boundaries, you can create a space that acknowledges your feelings, respects your well-being, and allows you to engage in a way that feels balanced and authentic.
Why Extremes Happen in the Face of an Absent Father
When a father is absent - be it physically, emotionally, or both - it leaves a void. That absence can stir up complicated emotions: grief, anger, longing, confusion. It’s tempting to deal with these by going to extremes:
Overcompensation: You might try to be “the perfect child” or overextend yourself in family gatherings, hoping to fill the gap or prove your worth. Or maybe you go all in during holidays, trying to manufacture a picture-perfect scenario to make up for what’s missing.
Total withdrawal: On the flip side, you might detach entirely. Maybe you skip family events, cut off conversations about your dad, or refuse to acknowledge his absence at all. It can feel safer to shut down than to risk feeling hurt.
Both responses are understandable, but living at these extremes can leave you feeling drained, resentful, or emotionally numb. The challenge is finding a balanced approach that lets you honour your feelings without letting them run the show.
Defining Realistic Boundaries
Realistic boundaries are about moderation. They’re not a wall that locks everyone out, nor are they a wide open door with no limits. Instead, think of boundaries as a helpful guide that respects your feelings, energy, and time.
What are realistic boundaries?
Specific: Instead of a vague “I can’t handle this,” clarify your limits. For example: “I’ll come to dinner, but I won’t discuss dad’s absence this year.”.
Flexible: Boundaries can shift over time as you grow - yes it’s okay to change your mind. What felt impossible last year might be manageable this year.
Self-Focused: Your boundaries are about emotional well-being, not about changing someone else’s behaviour.
Steps to Finding the Middle Ground
Acknowledge Your Feelings Without Judgment
It’s okay to feel sad, angry, relieved, or indifferent about your absent father. Start by naming these emotions privately - journal them, think them through, or talk to someone you trust. The goal is not to fix how you feel, but to understand it.
Identify Your Trigger Points
Are there particular events, traditions, or conversations that push you toward your extremes? Maybe the annual festive dinner leads you to shut down or overcompensate. Recognising these triggers helps you plan more realistic responses.
Choose One Area to Set a Boundary
If jumping to perfect balance feels overwhelming, start small. Maybe this year, you decide to limit how long you stay at a family gathering or politely redirect the conversation if someone brings up your dad. A small, achievable boundary can build your confidence over time - for context, the small place I started, was unsubscribing to emails I didn’t want to receive - so try not to over think it.
Communicate Clearly and Kindly
Boundaries don’t have to be confrontational - something I don’t enjoy myself. A simple, calm statement can be enough:
“I’d love to come by, but I’ll only stay a couple of hours.”
“I’m not comfortable talking about dad’s absence today. Thanks for understanding.”
You don’t have to give a lengthy explanation - being clear and concise takes away the need for justification - something you don’t need to give.
Allow Room for Growth
You might set a boundary and realise it’s too strict, or not strict enough. That’s okay. Adjusting your boundaries as you learn what works best for you is part of the process. There’s no perfect formula - just experimentation and self-discovery.
Embracing the Grey Areas
The absence of your father may never feel like a neat, tidy bow that’s all wrapped up and ready to be put away. It can be a lifelong process of understanding, feeling, and adapting. Embracing the grey areas of your emotions allows you to find balance instead of getting stuck at one extreme or another.
By allowing yourself to feel what you feel - without letting those emotions dictate extreme behaviours - you give yourself permission to work on this at your own pace. Setting realistic boundaries is a way of saying: “I matter enough to protect my peace, even if it means disappointing someone else’s expectations.”
Honour Your Progress
It’s important to acknowledge how far you’ve come. Even if you’re still working on setting boundaries, the fact that you’re open to exploring a middle ground is a big step. Celebrate the small victories - like leaving a gathering before you reach emotional overload, or gracefully changing the topic when dad’s absence comes up.
Over time, you’ll find that living between the extremes - saying yes when it’s healthy for you, saying no to protect your peace - can make holidays, family events, and even everyday life more manageable.
Conclusion: Balancing Your Emotional Scales
Growing up with an absent father can tilt your emotional scales in ways that lead you toward extremes. But remember, you deserve more than just surviving the holidays or family functions - you deserve to find a comfortable middle ground.
By setting realistic boundaries, you’re choosing to care for yourself. You’re opting for a path that acknowledges your emotions, respects your limits, and allows you to engage in a way that feels sustainable. Finding this balance won’t happen overnight, but each boundary you set moves you closer to a healthier, more peaceful place - one where you can show up as your authentic self, even in the face of what’s missing.