Starting a New Year Without Leaving It All Behind: Honouring the Past, Embracing the Future
A new year often brings a sense of renewal—a chance to turn the page and start fresh. But what if the person you’re leaving behind is an absent father—or a loved one who has passed away? There’s a heightened sense of pain when you realise you’re stepping into another year without them by your side, right? Every scroll through social media can feel like a barrage of “new year, new me” messages, as though you’re expected to forget about the past and reinvent yourself. But real life isn’t as neat as a social media post. You don’t have to leave everything behind, nor do you have to set such big goals if you’re simply not ready. Sometimes, just acknowledging your grief—no matter how that loss came about—is enough.
Reflecting on Absence vs Elimination
An absent father might be absent for many reasons—maybe it was his decision to leave, or perhaps you made the hard choice to go no contact. When the calendar flips to January, it can highlight the reality that yet another year has passed without that paternal bond. I’m currently into my 13th year and there isn’t a day that goes by, where he doesn’t cross my mind - the pain can be worked on, but the memories still remain. So not having him physically or emotionally in your life doesn’t erase any positive memories or valuable lessons you may have gained along the way. I know how hard it is to even think of your dad in a positive way, but deep down, underneath all of that pain, are parts of that relationship you will want to hold onto. The moments I cherish with my own dad, before he left, was his ability to make me feel safe - controversial I know, considering he was an alcoholic, but there was just something about his presence.
On the flip side, if your year is marked by the death of someone dear, the “new year, new me” mantra can feel like pressure to “get over it” quickly. But relationships don’t adhere to the same timeline as a calendar year. Your grief doesn’t need to meet an expiration date. Even if a year has a beginning and an end, your love for that person—however complicated those feelings are for them—can continue on your terms.
Acknowledging Both Pain and Joy
Entering a new year without someone important can amplify the sting of their absence. It’s okay if this realisation hurts. You’re allowed to feel that pang of grief, no matter how long it’s been or how the loss happened. In fact, naming that pain—whether through journaling, therapy, or talking with someone you trust - can be a powerful way to honour what you’re feeling.
In the case of an absent father, not every memory has to be painful. Maybe you both once bonded over a shared hobby, or he taught you something that still benefits you today. Acknowledging these good moments doesn’t invalidate your current boundaries or the hurt you’ve experienced; it merely adds depth to the whole story. The same goes for a loved one who has passed: you can grieve their absence while cherishing the joy and lessons they left behind. It also goes without saying, none of this happens over night, nor does it come easily, but when it does, the grief you feel - no matter how that happened - can be viewed from a different lens.
Carrying Loved Ones (or Parts of Them) Forward
Carrying someone forward doesn’t always mean dragging along every memory and every emotional thread. It’s about consciously selecting what feels supportive and meaningful. Was there a particular tradition you loved? A piece of advice that still resonates? By holding onto these positives, you create a bridge between the past and present that feels nurturing rather than draining.
On the other hand, some aspects of the relationship may continue to cause pain or bring you back to an unhealthy emotional space. If certain reminders trigger more anguish than comfort, it’s okay to release them. Acknowledging these feelings is part of the process - no matter how painful that may be. Then letting go isn’t about denying your history; it’s about making room for growth and emotional well-being in the new year.
The Social Media Trap: “New Year, New Me”
In a world of perfectly curated posts, it’s easy to feel like you’re supposed to reinvent yourself at the stroke of midnight on January 1st. But that mindset can be more harmful than helpful, especially if you’re grieving or coming to terms with an absent father. True transformation—or simply getting by—doesn’t follow a hashtag schedule. I will be the first to admit, that in previous years, I would be sucked into the whole “new year, new me” trend, as I saw it as an opportunity to reinvent myself. However, after a lot of growth, I can see how dismantling this can be for someone with low self esteem or at least feels as though they’re never truly good enough - yes, that was/is me. I now prefer to follow nature in the sense that winter is viewed as the slow down season - allowing me to continue that need for hibernation right through to the end of February. When we accept each season for what it is, you can admire what is truly possible.
Self-Compassion Over Self-Comparison: Rather than comparing your “new year” to someone else’s highlight reel, focus on your own pace and needs.Practical Ways to Honour and Move Forward
Practical Ways to Honour and Move Forward
Create a Keepsake Box: If you have photos, letters, or symbolic items, place them in a box. This preserves the good memories without forcing you to confront them daily.
Write a Reflective Letter: Whether your father is alive but absent, or you’re grieving someone who has passed, putting your thoughts on paper can clarify feelings. You can choose to keep, burn, or even ceremonially bury the letter, depending on what feels right.
Seek Support: Talking with a therapist or a support group can be crucial if the weight of grief or estrangement feels too heavy. Sometimes, sharing with others who understand can validate your experience.
Embracing the New Year with Balance
A New Chapter, Not a Rewrite: Starting a new year doesn’t mean your story from the past 12 months ceases to matter. It’s about integrating your experiences, including the painful and the joyful, into who you are becoming. Think of each new year as a new chapter—you can carry characters and themes forward in a way that serves the narrative you want to create now.
Holding Space for Complexity: It’s normal for the new year to stir up conflicting feelings—hope, sorrow, relief, and maybe guilt for feeling hopeful again. That complexity isn’t a sign of failure; it’s evidence that you’re human. Grief or estrangement can coexist with the desire to move forward. One doesn’t cancel out the other.
Conclusion: Honouring Without Erasing
A new year doesn’t have to be about becoming a brand-new person or burying your past. Whether you’re contending with the absence of a father—by choice or otherwise—or mourning someone’s death, the turn of the calendar is merely an invitation. You can accept or decline in a way that feels right for you. It can be a time to decide which memories uplift you and which hold you back, which rituals bring comfort and which keep you stuck, or you can simply carry on with the way that things were. The choice really is yours - despite how social media might make you feel.
If all you do this year is acknowledge your grief and treat yourself with kindness, that’s enough. You don’t have to match the social media hype or force yourself into a big transformation. Take what helps, leave what doesn’t, and remember: your story isn’t limited to one year, one relationship, or one loss. You are allowed to hold both pain and joy, absence and presence, as you step into whatever comes next.