Understanding Disenfranchised Grief: Navigating Unrecognised Loss
Grief is a universal experience, yet not all grief is treated equally. Society often acknowledges and supports people griefing the loss of a loved through traditional means such as the death of a family member - but even then, depending on the relationship, that can come with it’s own challenges. However, what happens when the loss doesn’t fit societal norms or expectations? This type of grief is called disenfranchised grief, which can leave individuals feeling invalidated, misunderstood and alone in their pain.
In this blog, we’ll explore what disenfranchised grief is, how it affects those who experience it, and why it’s essential to recognise and validate these hidden losses, but I’ll also touch on my own personal experiences with disenfranchise grief. Having faced this type of grief myself, I understand how isolating it can feel, and I’m passionate about helping others navigate and heal from these unacknowledged losses. Understanding this unique form of grief can help foster compassion - not only for yourself but for others navigating this incredibly painful situation.
What is Disenfranchised Grief?
If you’re currently estranged from your family, have suffered from a miscarriage now or in the past, have mourned the death of a beloved pet, then you will understand what it’s like to have your grief unacknowledged. I can also relate to that feeling; I am currently and will always be estranged from my dad.I have spent many years in therapy to accept the reality that he is untrustworthy and brings toxicity into my life. It’s a tough journey filled with many emotions, and I empathise with the pain and confusion that all brings.
However, unlike traditional loss, where someone mourns the death of a loved one, the likes of you and I, experience something called disenfranchised grief. It refers to the type of loss that isn’t openly acknowledged or socially supported by society, which can leave individuals feeling isolated, invalidated and unsupported in their grief journey. This type of grief can make it harder for people to process their emotions because they may feel pressured to hide their pain or move on quickly.
The Impact of Disenfranchised Grief
Disenfranchised grief can have profound effects on emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. Since the grief is often unacknowledged or invalidated by society, individuals may struggle to find the support they need to process their loss. If you are estranged from your parent, you know all too well the countless opinions that come your way when you try to express your feelings. Perhaps you’ve been told, your decision to cut contact was selfish or how you should have simply disregarded their behaviour because they are your mother or father. This can lead to significant feelings of shame, as you may find yourself questioning whether you are overreacting, if you have made the right choice, or even attributing all of their faults to yourself. This can naturally result in reduced self-esteem, significantly impacting various aspects of your life, like repeatedly entering toxic relationships or constantly prioritising everyone else's needs over your own.
The Role of Stigma
Societal stigma can magnify the impact of disenfranchised grief. When people feel they must suppress their feelings to conform to societal norms, it hinders their ability to heal and creates a sense of being “stuck”. By understanding these impacts, individuals can recognise the importance of validating their grief and seeking appropriate support, even when the loss isn’t widely acknowledged. This is why I choose to work with individuals who experience hidden grief, particularly those estranged from their parents, as I can provide the validation and understanding they often haven’t received anywhere else.
By acknowledging their grief and creating space where they can explore their feelings, I help them see that their parent’s absence does not define their worth or identity. Instead, we work together to help them reclaim their sense of self, recognising their courage and strength. This validation can help them process their pain and begin to move forward without the weight of societal judgement.
How to cope with Disenfranchised Grief
Coping with disenfranchised grief can feel overwhelming, especially when society fails to acknowledge the depth of your loss. however, taking steps to validate your feelings and seeking support can make a significant difference. Here are some practical ways to navigate this hidden grief:
Acknowledge and Validate Your Feelings
Give yourself permission to grieve, even if others or yourself, don’t recognise your loss.
Remind yourself that your feelings are valid and important, no matter what societal norms suggest
Journaling or talking to someone you trust can help you articulate and process your emotions.
Seek Support
Professional Help: Consider working with a counsellor who specialises in the type of hidden grief, you are experiencing. Whilst I work within this area, my specialities go as far as family estrangement. This is why it’s important to look at the type of training or experience a counsellor has. They can then provide a safe space to explore your feelings without judgement.
Support Groups: Look for communities, online or in-person, where others have experienced similar losses. Knowing you’re not alone can be incredibly healing. I run an Absent Father Support Group on Facebook, which I will link here, you are more than welcome to join the 500+ members, as a way of connecting to others, who share similar experiences.
Focus on Self Compassion
Be gentle with yourself and try to avoid criticising or judging your emotions.
Practice self care activities that nurture your physical, emotional and mental wellbeing as this can be a great way of helping you understand and connect with your feelings.
Supporting Someone Experiencing Disenfranchised Grief
If someone close to you, especially a partner, is dealing with disenfranchised grief, your support can truly make a difference. Validation and empathy are crucial, espefcially when their loss has not been recognised or understood by others. Here are some ways to offer meaningful support:
Acknowledge Their Grief
Let them know you recognise their loss, even if it isn’t widely acknowledged.
Simple statements like “I’m sorry you’re going through this” or “Your feelings are valid” can provide immense comfort. You don’t have to understand how they feel, but taking the time to listen, can make all the difference.
Listen Without Judgment
All them to express their feelings without trying to fix or minimise their pain.
Avoid saying things like, “You need to get over it” or “It could be worse”.
Avoid Dismissing the Significance of Their Loss
Even if their grief isn’t something you’ve experienced or fully understand, refrain from diminishing it.
Statements like “You’ll get over it” or “That’s not something to be upset about” can feel invalidating and isolating.
Conclusion
Disenfranchised grief is deeply personal and often an overlooked experience that can leave individuals feeling isolated and unsupported. Whether it stems from parental estrangement, the loss of a beloved pet or another unacknowledged loss, this form of grief is just as valid as any other. By understanding the nature of disenfranchised grief and seeking validation - whether through self compassion, therapy or supportive communities - the ability to move forward, is possible.
No matter what society says, your grief matters, and your feelings deserve to be recognised. Taking steps to honour your feelings can help you move forward and find meaning beyond the pain.
If you’ve experienced disenfranchised grief, know that you’re not alone. I work with individuals navigating hidden grief, especially those estranged from their parents, to help them validate their emotions and rediscover their worth.
I’d love to hear from you - what resonated with you the most in this post? Feel free to share your thoughts or questions in the comments. If you’re looking for support, please get in touch with me via email, here. I will respond to you within a week, thank you so much for being here with me.