How An Absent Father Can Shape Your Relationships: Understanding the Impact
Our relationships are deeply influenced by our early life experiences, particularly the bonds we form with our parents/caregivers. If you have grown up with an absent father - regardless of whether thats physically, emotionally or inconsistent - then you will know how he can leave a lasting impact on how you connect with others.
Like you, I know firsthand, what this feels like, as I spent most of my teenage years, trying to have a relationship with my dad - which ended up shaping how I viewed myself and others. For years, I struggled with trust, self-worth, and the fear of abandonment, often without releasing how deeply rooted these feelings were. These effects can show up in romantic relationships, friendships, and even family dynamics, something without us fully understanding it’s root cause.
In this blog, I’ll explore how having an absent father can affect our relationships, the emotional damage it leaves behind, and ways to break free from these patterns. Drawing on my own personal experience and professional work, I hope to provide insight and validation for those navigating the complexities of this hidden grief.
What Does It Mean to Have an Absent Father?
An absent father doesn’t only refer to someone who is physically absent from a child’s life - it can also mean a father who is emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, or distant. This absence can take many forms, including:
Physical Absence: The father may not have been present due to reasons such as divorce, abandonment, incarceration, or death.
Emotional Absence: A father who is physically present but emotionally distant, providing little affection, encouragement, or connection.
Inconsistent Presence: A father who comes in and out of a child’s life, leaving them uncertain about his role or reliability.
For me, I had the physical and at times emotional presence, but when my parents divorced, he became inconsistent. His absence made me question my worth and left me wondering if I was somehow to blame for his lack of involvement. This is a common experience for many children of absent fathers, who then may go on to internalise the loss and feel unworthy of love or connection.
Having an absent father does go beyond the loss of a relationship - it can feel like the loss of stability, protection or even identity. These early experiences can leave lasting emotional wounds that may subtly or overtly influence relationships in adulthood. Which is why internalising the loss as a feeling of being unworthy of love or connection in adulthood can be so common.
The Emotional Impact of an Absent Father
An absent father can leave deep emotional wounds that often carry into adulthood. These wounds are not always obvious, but they can help profoundly shape how individuals view themselves, their relationship, and the world around them. Here are some common emotional impacts:
Low Self Worth: Growing up without a father figure can lead to feelings of inadequacy or unworthiness - something I still struggle with on occasion, today. Many children internalise their father’s absence, believing it reflects something about their value or lovability. This can manifest as self-doubt or constant need for external validation in adulthood. So if you find yourself constantly feeling unsure of yourself or needing others to make decisions for you, then it might be because you don’t trust the feelings and thoughts you have are worthy or even valid.
Fear of Abandonment: An absent father can create a lingering fear that others may also leave. Hence why I called myself the Abandonment Therapist on social media - not the most attractive or inviting handle, but one that gets right to the point. This fear of abandonment often shows up in relationships, leading to clinginess, anxiety, or difficult trusting others. For some, it might result in avoiding relationships altogether to shield themselves from any potential pain. This also includes therapy, because lets face it, there’s nothing comfortable about being faced with root cause to all of your problems.
Difficulty Trusting Others: Without the early foundation of a reliable father figure, trusting others can feel risky. This mistrust can extend to friendships, romantic relationships, or even professional dynamics, making it harder to build meaningful connections.
Emotional Avoidance or Over-dependence: Some individuals cope by suppressing their emotions and avoiding vulnerability, while others may become overly dependent on partners or friends to fill the emotional void left by their father. Both patterns can create challenges in forming balanced, healthy relationships.
Unresolved Grief or Anger: There is often a sense of grief or anger tied to a father’s absence - grief for what was lost and anger for what could have been. These emotions, when unaddressed can contribute to feelings of frustrations or resentment in adulthood.
For me, the unpredictability my dad brought to our relationships left me grappling with many of these feelings, particularly a fear of abandonment and sense of not being “enough”. These emotions subtly influenced my relationships for years - and sometimes still do - until I began to address them. I frequently say that there are things “still bothering me” because, despite being a therapist with extensive professional knowledge and experience, I remain a human being - which means I am not immune to the natural experience of human emotions. It was understanding these emotional impacts that helped me break free from the patterns they create.
How an Absent Father Influences Adult Relationships
The absence of a father during childhood often leaves lasting impressions that influence how we approach relationships in adulthood. Whether it’s romantic partnerships, friendships or even professional interactions, the effects can shape patterns that are difficult to recognise or break. Here’s how an absent father may show up in adult relationships:
Fear of Abandonment: I know we have previously covered this but it’s something that will show up time and time again. As those with an absent father will likely develop a deep-seated fear that others will leave them too. This can lead to clingness, over-dependence, or anxiety in relationships. Conversely, some may avoid close connections altogether to avoid any potential pain - this can also include applying for any promotions, you know you’re qualified and experienced enough to do.
Trust Issues: Growing up without a reliable or consistent father figure can make it difficult to trust others. This mistrust can cause people to question the intentions of friends, partners, leading to insecurity and strained relationships.
Difficult Setting Boundaries: Without a strong example of healthy boundaries, individuals may struggle to establish their own. This can result in people-pleasing tendencies, resulting in tolerating toxic behaviours, or pushing others away to maintain control.
Unhealthy Relationship Patterns: Some people may unconsciously seek out partners who replicate their father’s absence or emotional unavailability, hoping to ‘“fix” the past. This can sometimes feel quite cathartic if the partner you are with chooses to recognise or own their emotional unavailability.
Over-compensation in Relationships: Individuals may overextend themselves to prove their worth, often going above and beyond to keep a partner or friends from leave. This can lead to burnout or feeling unappreciated in their relationships.
Recognising how these behaviours are connected to a father’s absence is a powerful step towards repairing any emotional wounds. By identifying these patterns, it becomes possible to work on building healthier more fulfilling relationships.
Breaking the Cycle
Breaking the cycle of patterns created by an absent father can feel overwhelming, but it’s entirely possible with intention, self-awareness and support. Healing is not about forgetting the past - it’s about understanding how his absence has shaped you and making conscious choices to create healthier relationships and a stronger sense of self worth. Here are some ways to start breaking the cycle:
Acknowledge the Impact: Recognising how your father’s absence has influenced your beliefs, behaviours - it’s not about jumping straight to forgiveness or dismissal (e.g. it’s fine, I’ve moved on). Instead, it’s about allowing yourself to fully explore the impact before finding resolution.
Seeking Counselling: Whilst I may be biased, given I am one, working with a therapist can provide the safe space you need in order to explore the unresolved grief. It can help you identify healthier coping mechanisms and build stronger relationship skills - given everything about therapy is the relationship you have between you and your therapist.
Practicing Self Compassion: Reframing the narrative you’ve internalised about your worth, can be a good place to start. Whilst you might not be in the right space to even consider this yet, because I wasn’t at the start either - but extending that compassion to your dad can help self compassion. Recognising that he carried his own pain, and that it shaped how he was raised, can help you see how this is carried through many generations before him. But here’s the thing: you can stop the cycle.
Create Your Own Narrative: Reflect on what kind of person you want to be and what kind of relationships you want to have - without being too rigid or idealistic about creating the “perfect” partner. Break free from old patterns by consciously choosing behaviours and relationship that align with your value and needs.
For many breaking the cycle, also involves forgiving themselves for past choices made our of fear or hurt. For me, the journey of healing from my father’s absence involved recognising how much of his absence shaped my life - but also reclaiming my story. By seeking therapy and choosing to invest in healthier patterns, I’ve seen how breaking the cycle can transform not only relationships but also self-worth.
My Personal Experience and Why I Help Others
When I was little, I had what I thought was a good relationship with my dad - I’d even go as far as branding myself “Daddy’s little girl”. So when my parents divorced, I was shocked and a little taken back when that relationship became inconsistent and chaotic - it caused a lot of confusion and pain! When I turned 19, he decided he no longer wanted a relationship with me - something, I think I was consciously aware of or feared would happen. So it was no surprise, it had a lasting impact on how I saw myself, how I approached relationships thereafter, and even how I handed emotions like trust and vulnerability. I was always seeking a “father figure” or longed to be rescued by a man who would understand my emotions and take care of me the way I wanted my dad to. If that’s something that resonates with you, then I understand how hard that is, to live with.
I believed his absence said something about me - that I wasn’t enough, that I wasn’t worthy of his love or attention. It wasn’t until I found myself in therapy for a completed unrelated issue, that I began to uncover where these feelings came from. They were the results of unresolved grief, feelings of abandonment, and unspoken pain that needed to be acknowledged and validated. Therapy was a turning point for me - so much so, I decided to become one myself.
This journey is what inspired me to become a therapist and to focus on working with those who have experienced hidden grief, particularly those estranged from or abandoned by their parents. I know how isolating it can feel to navigate these emotions alone. But I also know how powerful it can be to have someone say, “Your pain is valid, and it’s okay to feel this way.”
Through my work, I strive to be what I call a “good enough” therapist, one that recognises her own imperfections and ability to make mistakes. I know the validation is a crucial part of your journey, but so is understanding how your fathers absence has shaped your life. Your worth doesn’t need to be tied to his actions or absence, but instead cultivating curiosity - about ourselves, others, and the world - can help us move beyond rigid “good vs. bad” thinking and opportunities for change.
Conclusion
Growing up with an absent father can leave emotional wounds that influence self-worth, trust, and relationships well into adulthood. Whilst the effects of this absence may feel overwhelming, understanding it’s impact is the first step towards healing. Recognising the patterns tied to this hidden grief allows you to make conscious choices to break free from them and build healthier connections with yourself and others.
Your father’s absence does not define your value or dictate the relationships you’re destined to have. Healing is about reclaiming your story, recognising your inherent worth, and creating a life rooted in self-compassion and authentic connections.
As someone who has walked this path myself, I know how isolating and challenging it can feel. But I also know that healing is possible, and that change begins with validation - acknowledging your pain and giving yourself permission to grieve what was lost.
If you resonate with this, know that you don’t have to navigate it alone. Whether it’s through therapy, community or personal reflection through reading this blog. You can break the cycle and create relationships and the life you deserve.